I am a hypocrite.

Hi.
It wouldn't have been an inevitable thing if I weren't the type of guy to think about stuff I shouldn't.
Sadly, I am that type of guy.
And, most unfortunately, I suck at it.
Oh wait, I either suck BADLY at it, or I ace it too AWESOMELY.
Heh.
I don't know.
I always say that my friends are jerks and they never really care if I were thinking of letting go of everything I've ever known.
I always say that they only befriend me because I'm the guy they can count on when they need answers during the exams.
I always say that when I'm in need of a friend, they are never there.
The truth is, I never look for them when I need them.
I expect them to come and comfort me, ask me what the heck is wrong and how to overcome it.
Well, that is what I expect of a friend I've known since grade school.
It's what I expect of someone who claims to be there whenever.
I don't who's to blame; me or them.
SERIOUSLY.
However, when I do come to them, seeking for some companionship, they laugh at my face, saying that it's all going to be alright; that everything that I'm thinking about is nonsense.
They don't realise how WRONG they are.
They don't come to think for one second that I may just cross the line and one day ... one day, I'll finally do it for REAL.
Yes, I've been blowing my horn, telling them how lifeless I am.
I've been trying to get a grip of what's left of my sane mind.
I've been torn apart by how I want to live and by how I should live.
I've been broken to pieces, thinking of what I really want in life.
I shit every morning knowing that I'll do the same thing, over and over again for the next lifetime.
I cry every night, cutting my arm, trying to see the blood that just won't come out.
I fear of my future.
I try to hold on.
I thought that I could stay away from the sorrows of time and space.
I thought that my life was supposed to be better.
I thought that I could be SOMEBODY.
But who am I?
Do I even know the person whom I stare at in the mirror every day?
Do I even stop for one moment to think of what I would've been if I never made the mistakes I've made?
I don't even know if what I just wrote was true.
I don't even know what the TRUTH is.
I have friends that disappoint me.
I have friends that make me laugh even when I don't want to.
I have friends, that tell me that I always act ridiculously and for no reason at all, I get laughed at.
I hate being the one they point at when something bad happens.
I don't think that I can stand people shouting when they shouldn't, people agreeing to things they should've disagreed on, people acting the way they shouldn't.
But, I also act that way.
Which ultimately means, I can't stand myself.
My, big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, sad and distorted self.
Myself.
Being the human being that I am I feel like an alien.
I look at myself and I get freaked out.
I try to tell people that I have yet to find HAPPINESS.
I say the wrong things at the wrong times.
I do the wrong things even when no pressure is felt.
I damn myself for being who I am right now.
I look to achieve far greater heights in life.
I don't think I will.
I lie to people every single day.
I lie even when the truth gives better benefit.
I lie even when there's nothing to lie about.
I'm ashamed of who I am.
I feel like if I were never here, the world would be a better place.
If not the world, then at least the lives of the people I know and the people who know me, would be better.
I don't know how people will react to this post.
I don't know how I'll react to this post.
All I know, is that the truth will always find it's way out.

I hate myself for hating what I hate right now;
And what I hate right now is myself for hating;
What I hate right now.